


does your life feel like your own?

by blueberryssi



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: College AU, M/M, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Strangers to Lovers, soft, they meet at a bar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26170393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueberryssi/pseuds/blueberryssi
Summary: "...I turn around to see the boy that was supposedly leaving. I arche my eyebrows, as if I wasn't incredibly excited to talk to this enigmatic stranger. why is he here?"
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Kang Yeosang, jongsang - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

the dim light makes him beautiful and he smiles kindly in my direction as he turns to leave out the door. I don't think I've ever seen him before. he's just some guy, but something inside me tells me to hold his hand and ask him to stay, just so I can look into his eyes a little bit longer… maybe find out if his name matches his smile? I don't know, it doesn't really make sense.

I let go of the idea, of course. the story of the boy who smiles at strangers at roadside bars shall be kept unknown. maybe I'll write about it.

I start to ponder on all of his possible backgrounds when suddenly a hand reaches my shoulder and I turn around just to find the boy who was supposedly leaving. I raise my eyebrows as if I wasn't incredibly excited to talk to this enigmatic stranger. why is he here? "why are you here?"

"what?" he answers confused and I realize I was thinking out loud. stupid Yeosang, couldn't you have kept your thoughts inside your head just this once?

I can feel the heat rising to my face so I open my mouth to try and explain myself, but he shrugs it off, sits by my side, and sighs, preparing himself to tell me a long story.

"well..." he starts “are you asking me why I reached out to you all of a sudden or why I’m in this really horrible bar where all of the customers look like they’ve already died?" I let out a chuckle as I turn to look at him for the first time.

“I was going for the second option, but now I realize I’d like to know why you reached out to me as well”, I say as I take a sip of my strawberry juice.  
"and I hope you think I'm an exception to the zombie clientele" I quickly add and laugh to myself thinking that I wouldn’t consider myself an exception at all.

"you're definitely an exception" I guess he disagrees though.

“and to answer your first question… I was gonna ask you if you're Yeosang, the guy who wrote the play that took place on campus a few months ago?"

I nod eagerly. I've never been recognized so I have to be careful not to jump out of excitement. I only smile brightly and wait for him to continue.

"oh, I knew I’d met you before! I was leaving but then I saw you and decided to ask. I don't really enjoy not knowing things, I'm too curious for that"

"I'm definitely not curious enough, I like leaving things to my imagination. I usually create a better story than the reality anyway."

"I'm sure you do. the play was beautiful! I even cried a little, but please don't tell my friends that." We both laughed and I felt so warm inside knowing a work of mine gave such feelings to someone. It’s all I could ever want while creating art. Ironic how the boy who would become the face of my next story actually came to talk to me because of another story I wrote.

"you didn't say your name, and you still haven't said why you're among us half-dead people" I joke while maintaining my serious expression, and he smiles widely at me. his smile makes me want to say more stupid things just so I can see it more.

"I'm Jongho. and I came here today because I wanted to feel like I'm out of town. it's far enough not to risk running into someone I know, and it's still in town so it’s just a few minutes away from the regular bars downtown." his name does match his smile indeed.

"sorry for ruining your expectations of not knowing anyone around here, but since I come for similar reasons you kinda ruined mine too, so let's say we're even?"

"yeah, we're even. but please tell me more about your reasons, you can't interrogate me on why I'm here without saying anything about yourself, Yeosang" he says in a playful tone, but I blush when he says my name, for some reason, it feels more intimate, as if there was only us in this crappy bar.  
He then turns to me and rests his head on his hand, ready to listen to what I have to tell. the way he's so attentive to everything I'm saying and how eager he is to know about me is almost inebriating. I try not to think about that.

“different reasons bring people to come here. some stop by in their way to a different place, some stumble here on accident while looking for somewhere else… and I come here to try and guess the reason, and when guessing gets interesting enough, I write a story based on what I imagined" I explain, and I notice I have never explained this to someone else. my best friend and roommate, Seonghwa, knows that I usually go to weird places to write, but I also never really went too far on the reason why.

"what about the play I saw? did you get inspiration from a place like this?” he asks with curiosity.  
"oh no. that one is actually just about how I wanted things to be." I widen my eyes, realizing how vulnerable I’m getting with someone I just met and suddenly I feel out of control. how can you open up about something you're not comfortable saying to someone you don't trust yet? oh, Yeosang weren't you trying to keep it to yourself?

"that's probably why I cried."

wait. what? I look at him puzzled and wait for an elaboration.

"when the protagonist looks in the mirror and tells himself he’s going to be happy, it really hit me. to decide to search for happiness after everyone left him in some way was just... I don't know how to put it but that's it, you know? the moment he decided to look in the mirror and see himself as someone who's whole was the moment he made his life his own, and from that point forward his story could go whatever way he chose." he took a deep breath. he isn't looking deeply at me anymore, he's gazing elsewhere, and I just know that right now he's being vulnerable too.

"I cried because most of the time my life didn't feel like my own at all. and seeing your play shed some light on that" he adds, almost whispering.

I'm so dumbfounded that I can't even mutter a reply. he seems to feel like me, and he understands.

"yes, I do understand you", he says, and I realize that I thought out loud. again. "I have to remind myself that I'm actually saying my thoughts out loud and you're not a mind reader", I say softly, a little embarrassed. he just laughs, and I decide to answer him properly.

"i'm glad there was someone like me in the audience... and I hope your life feels like your own now"

"it doesn't, but I'm getting there. running off to a place where no one knows me was one of the initial ideas I had to start making it my own. what about you? does your life feel like your own?"

It doesn't. but sometimes it does. like the time I wrote the script for the play. the fact that my words brought something into life, something that made everyone sit and watch. it felt so special, and it also felt mine. but it isn't always like this.

"it's complicated. every decision I've ever made has been completely mine, but if I'm being honest I've always been too self-conscious about how people were going to perceive them, or me, so the lines can get blurry after a while" I start speaking and look at jongho, who’s nodding, as a sign of understanding.  
"I'm trying to create this habit of asking myself if I'm doing what I'm doing because I want to and feel like it, or because I want to feel seen or... loved" the last part almost comes out as a whisper, but he heard it judging by how he's looking at me and I thank every divinity I can think of for the darkness in this place that makes it almost impossible for him to see the bright red blush on my cheeks.

and now there's silence and I cough uncomfortably, and he moves a little in his chair, he seems surprised by what I said earlier.  
"this may sound weird in some way, but it caught me by surprise that you may not feel loved? you are the very popular and untouchable Kang Yeosang, everyone in the art department says good things about you"

"yeah but none of them talk to me. actually I only know they say good things about me because of my roommate and the cast of the last play, otherwise, I'd be certain that everyone hates me." I end up sounding very bitter, but it's too late to hold back now. Jongho lets out an "oh" and he looks down and seems worried maybe, or sad? I'm not sure, and I can't see why either.

"Yeosang, I'm a music student so I believe our buildings are very close to each other since you're majoring in cinematography, right?" he asks and I nod as an answer and say "yeah but what about it?”  
"you said people don't usually talk to you, so I thought we could meet during breaks so you don't feel alone" oh shit.  
he wasn't supposed to be pitying me. I really don't want this. I want people to want to be with me, I don't wanna be someone's charity work. maybe that's not what jongho thinks but my mind is currently screaming at me saying otherwise.  
"Jongho, I don't mind being alone at all, and I'm fine, please don't worry about it" I smile at him, so I can comfort him and keep it light somehow.  
"well, I don't like being alone, I assume people feel the same way. and what I said was obviously just an excuse to see you again, but maybe I didn't make it that obvious to you?" he says chuckling softly and I almost choke on nothing. I don't think I'll be able to move or talk for the next five minutes because my processing system really sucks and right now it just seems like everything is on fire and the apocalypse is coming but in a good way? ok. I'm out of my mind.

"it was not obvious!" I remember to say. "and it would be nice to see you" and I stutter stupidly on that last part. it's not a good apocalypse, it’s just the apocalypse, I'm sure now.  
"that's great! and sorry? I'll just be straightforward from now on" he says grinning and looking at me intensely like before. thinking about it, straightforwardness can be much worse. but at least I'll be able to describe distinctive ways of dying in my new stories after this.

Jongho hands me his phone all of sudden, "we should have each other’s numbers if we want to meet" he explains, and I believe it was because of my very confused expression. I type it out quickly. saving my name as yeosang only. I thought about putting an emoji next to it or something but that could be too affectionate for someone I just met, or maybe not and only yeosang is actually really dry? I need to stop overthinking.   
he called me from his phone so I could save his number too. and then we just smiled at each other awkwardly.

"it's getting late, how are you going home?" he asks, and begins to stand up.  
"oh I think I'm gonna call an uber"  
"I can give you a ride, I’m driving“I forget some people get a car as a birthday gift. but the possibility of a ride makes me kinda thankful instead of envious.  
"if it isn't too much trouble, I'll accept it" he smiles and tells me how the way to my house is probably almost the same as the one to his knowing we both live in the dorms of the same university.

we decide to leave and when I stand up I realize I'm nervous and my head is filled with "what if's". he could be a killer and only pretending to be a college student! that's unlikely but who knows? I decide to message Seonghwa and tell him about the ride, just in case.

I pay for my drink and walk out of the bar to meet jongho waiting by his car, he opens the door for me and I feel very weird. and warm. but weird. I explain to him where my dorm is and casually tell him about how Seonghwa is waiting for me (again, just in case he's a murderer).  
but most of the ride is just silent. it's comfortable, we spent so much time talking and it's so late that it's just very clear we're tired. well, I'm tired, and I'm really glad he isn't pushing me to talk. he's very respectful of my space so it just makes me calm.

the idea that he might kill me has now lost the battle to my common sense, so now I'm truly relaxed.

we arrive, and I take off my seatbelt and I feel that I should say something.  
"it was really nice talking to you, I didn't even realize the hours passing by and I like that a lot. I'm looking forward to the next time."  
I smile at him lightly and prepare myself so I can get out of the car quickly so he won't see me blush.  
"I really liked it too, Yeosang. Have a good night" he speaks softly when I'm almost out of the car and I turn to him and whisper "you too" while smiling, and leave. then I wave at him before going inside, smiling a little more than I would like to admit.

I guess Seonghwa finally has a story to hear that isn't fictional.


	2. i'm not unloveable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seonghwa gets to hear about Yeosang's night

I run up the stairs and stop by my front door, trying to contain my smile and giddiness. pretending Seonghwa won’t read through me anyway.  
I unlock the door and find my roommate reading a book, he looks at me and lifts his eyebrows,

“it’s 2 am, and a stranger gave you a ride” he states while getting up from the couch,  
“I thought I should be worried but seeing this look on your face I’m just excited” he continues while giggling and sits at the table motioning for me to sit too.

“why are you silent? tell me everything!”  
“calm down, Seonghwa! can you pretend that it isn’t unusual for me to talk to someone?”  
I say pretending to be hurt, but I'm laughing.  
“nope, can’t do”  
“shut up, do you want to know what happened or not?”

I tell him the basics. didn’t say how his eyes looked beautiful and how intensely his gaze was, I can keep that to myself.

“you said you were daydreaming about him before he spoke to you right? so this is romantic! this is romance!” Seonghwa starts jumping on his seat like a puppy.

he’s excited since I never involved myself romantically with anyone. my imagination is usually better than people in real life. and it’s unfair, not to me, but to anyone who thinks I’m interesting. I don't want to be the person that creates an image of someone and falls in love with an idea. and I quite know that’s possible. I’m always falling in love with ideas, but I never once pretended it was a person. to talk about an actual person, to fall for someone real just looks… risky.

“I don’t know, hwa. my daydreams aren’t reality, he was going to be a vessel to some creation. but he’s spoken to me, and he’s real. my daydreams might be romantic but the reality is different”

“you’re afraid” he affirms, and he’s right, of course. I start to feel vulnerable, the way I knew I would feel.

“I write about people instead of talking to them. it never came to this, so yeah, I’m kinda lost” I admit, hugging myself in an attempt to feel a little safer, a little more comfortable.  
Seonghwa shows an understanding smile and nods.

“people aren’t really as scary as you think. just don’t think too much ahead, and do what you feel like doing. it’ll be ok.” he says kindly.  
I sigh, not thinking ahead it’s not something I’m good at.

Seonghwa shifts in his seat, “but what about today? how did you feel about reality? about the real Jongho?” he asks nonchalantly.

oh. that’s a good question. damn Seonghwa and his great (and obvious) questions.

“I don’t know… he’s sweet. and I felt understood. you know when someone looks at you and you just feel like they get it?”  
“yeah, I know. sounds romantic” he says and I can’t help rolling my eyes in exaggeration.  
“I hate you” he laughs at my remark.  
“no, you don’t” it’s true, I don’t.

“so aren't you gonna tell me how his eyes sparkle in the moonlight or some shit? you write cheesy poetry but keep quiet about the cool dude that you talked for hours at the shittiest bar and even drove you home afterward? it’s unacceptable.”  
“well I’m very sorry to disappoint you, but I won’t do that. I told you, it’s too real”

Seonghwa was going to answer it but my cell phone vibrates at the table and I look to see a notification:

**Jongho:**

**hey, next time you don’t have to run out the car like that haha**  
**anyways, have a good night, hope to see you soon <3**

“I can’t BELIEVE you dare to say that it’s not romantic when you’re smiling at your phone like this!” I stifle my smile immediately but my heart keeps beating quite fast. oh god, what do I respond? how can I answer?

“calm down, yeo, just send him a good night back and say you’re excited to see him too”  
I look at Seonghwa like he’s read my mind.

“wait, did I say that out loud too?” he lets out an audible laugh.  
“oh my dear Yeosang, you haven’t, you are just so easy to read”  
“that’s horrible”  
“It isn’t! it’s cute. I’m sure Choi Jongho will agree on that.” he smirks and I just want to kill him.  
I try not to think too much and just reply to Jongho’s messages.

**Kang Yeosang**

**oh, i’m sorry! i’ll try not to run next time**  
**hope to see you soon too btw haha**  
**good night <3**

I have never felt so thrilled because of a heart emoji. it’s ridiculous.  
I look at my friend in front of me to see him looking at me fondly.

“Yeosang, can I tell you something?” I drop my phone to look at him completely, worried about his serious tone.

“of course”, I say simply.

“you’re not half as terrible as you think you are. and I know the cycle of your thoughts in these situations. and you need to know you’re very easy to love. romantic love. when you feel like holding someone’s hand, there’s a high chance that someone also wants to have their hands held by you.”

that takes me off guard. because that’s exactly what I have been thinking and concerning deep down. I sometimes forget how Seonghwa knows me, he’s my best friend. but one of the reasons he knows this so well, it’s because he feels the same.

I meet his concerned gaze and smile at him.

“thank you. I’ll try to believe you. but this goes both ways, ok? you’re an incredible dude but still thinks that no one could ever like you the way you like them. also, I honestly think the blue-haired music major would love to have a date with you anytime.”  
he gasps at my last sentence and I laugh wholeheartedly. Seonghwa is really something.

“Hongjoong is forbidden subject”  
“you were talking about how beautiful he looks in a jeans jacket yesterday. come up with a better excuse please.” he sighs in exasperation and I laugh silently.  
“fine! let’s agree we both need to trust ourselves a bit more.” I nod and promise myself to try to believe what he said since he’ll try it too. we’ll see where it goes.

he excuses himself to his bedroom to sleep. and I decide to do the same. but after changing my clothes and laying down I see that Jongho had replied with a smiley emoji. the memories from today and my talk to hwa start spiraling on my mind. I start writing some of my feelings down, just so I can calm down and sleep properly.

_I'm not unloveable. but I can’t see why you’d hold my hand when there are so many other ones._  
_what do you find in my eyes, that you can’t find in anyone else’s?_  
_you’re too real. way too real._

I’ve woken up to the smell of coffee. I find Seonghwa in the kitchen making toasts to both of us, in an awfully good mood.

“good morning, yeo. I slept really well last night, feel like your encounter with Jongho it’s gonna affect everything for the better”

“what the fuck?”

Seonghwa likes to believe in everything, and when he has a good feeling about something he’s quick to call it destiny. he also does it with his insecurities, thinking that things weren’t meant to be but, in reality, he’s probably just afraid. 

“I just have a good feeling about him ok?” and there it is. I pour the coffee into my mug and take one of the toasts, sitting next to him at the table.

“you never said that so fast”, I say it in a questioning tone. he sips his coffee and tilts his head lightly.

“you’re right, I’m biased” he admits with a shrug. and I just roll my eyes in acknowledgment. can’t see why though, he doesn’t even know the guy.

“you were smiling brightly. and he’s a music major like hongjoong! it’s hard not to be biased in this situation”

I grin at the mention of Hongjoong, now I see where this is coming from. I laugh to myself and proceed to eat my breakfast silently.

“tomorrow we are having classes, when will you text jongho to meet you? OH, YOU SHOULD TEXT HIM TODAY?” 

“once again, what the fuck, hwa?”

“he texted you first, now it’s your turn! he’s probably nervous about talking to you as well so TEXT HIM!”

“it’s sunday morning can’t you keep your voice down?”

“sorry. but text him. now.”

I decide on doing what he says. I won’t have the guts to do it later so it’s better to just do it now that I’m still half asleep and coerced by Seonghwa. he talked about meeting me during breaks so I’ll just ask about that, can’t go wrong, right? yeah right.

**Yeosang**

**good morning!**

**are you planning to do anything during**

**your breaks at college tomorrow?**

he replies right away, and I almost jump. Seonghwa already gets what’s happening and scoots closer so he can see it too.

**Jongho**

**good morning, yeosang!**

**yeah i'm free**

**maybe we could meet for lunch?**

I only ask him if his lunchtime it’s the same as mine, which it is. and then it’s settled. confirmed. we are meeting again. I look into the distance and I can hear Seonghwa laughing at me.

“it’ll be alright, don’t worry too much, and I usually have lunch with you so if you don’t want to be alone I’ll just stay… but I can obviously leave if you’d like some time alone with lover boy”

“I was gonna thank you but now, I just wanna punch you”

“yeah, I know”.

but do I want to be alone with him though? I guess I’ll just figure out how it goes tomorrow. maybe he’ll be bringing his friends too. 

I pretend nothing it’s happening for the rest of the day. and also pretend my heart isn’t pounding with excitement when I remember what it’s gonna happen tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> I will be adding more chapters to this story very soon! you can talk to me on twt @blueberry_ssi :)))


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